Gandalf Dangit
by Shelby-Lee Harmony
Summary: High school senior gets sucked into middle earth with with her perverted mind and horrible sense of humor can she help the dwarves take back their home or will she get everyone killed due to her smartass mouth (rated M for language and just horrible puns)
1. Chapter 1

**AN: Hello I'm Shelby and I'm fairly new to this site. The story you are about to read is a story my sister has created based on her imagine. We do not own The Hobbit. That movie/Book franchise is completely owned J.J.R Tolkien. I hope you enjoy! i am also sorry for any spelling mistakes. My sister is writing this. Btw we do not have a set schedule for each chapter. So please be patient with us.**

It was a calm day outside, perfect for a saturday. The sky was clear, it was warm autumn day and most importantly it was quiet as a school during exams. So being in a good mood i decided to go on a nice stroll in the woods around my house. I planned to stay out for a while so i packed a bag with some snakes a few bottles of water my pocket knife and a random book. With my stuff set i grabbed a jacket and left a note for my parents to let them know where i was.

I stepped out in black converse, black jeans that had a star pattern on them and a slytherin tank top.

The forest was oddly quiet walking through them it's early spring of course but hell it's almost someone's going to get murdered quiet. i was about to turn back and head home until i heard someone talking. Whatever they were saying wasn't in english that's for sure, if anything the best way to describe it would be a spoken version of cats yowling as they drag their claws across glass. Not sure if they were friendly or not i jumped behind a rather large yet short tree as i tried to figure out where it was coming from. The sound of feet hitting the ground soon came up as the voice got closer. But it wasn't the sound of two feet walking it sounded more like four...and something growling. I moved the side and saw what it was, i regretted stepping outside when i did. What i saw was a giant creature resembling a mix between a wolf and some type of giant rat and on it was some humanoid **thing** that had stone colored skin, armour and looked armed to the teeth. ' this can't be happening, not today why is this happening. Please don't let those two find me' i screamed in my head as they came closer to the tree i was behind. I quickly moved back behind the tree out of their line of sight. I could feel my stomach drop as i heard a pair of feet hit the ground. I heard a string of words as footsteps came closer and closer. I wanted to close my eyes but how could i? I had i walking pile of no and dog from hell a few yards from me and i am most certain they aren't in the mood for a tea party. I felt every drop of blood leave my face when a blade started coming from around the tree... **snap**. I almost screamed but i held my breath when the hell dog barked and the blade quickly went back behind the tree and away from me. A rush of running feet was all i heard before it became silent again. I looked back to where the things where to see nothing i released the breath i was holding and turned to run back home as quietly as possible. I took not even one step when my phone went off...at full volume.

Whoever called i'll kill them cause then i heard the most horrific chorus of howls and screams i've ever heard in my life. Not caring which way i went i ran the opposite direction of the howls hoping i would live to see the next day. The woods around me were nothing but a large blur of dull greyish brown and some green as i dashed between the large tree trunks hoping to lose the many pairs of running feet i could hear chasing me. The adrenaline in my veins made me numb to the ice i felt felt in my body and the fire burning in my lungs. I was running faster than i ever had before in my life but the hell dogs were gaining on me i could feel it. I felt pure fear and panic rush through me as i felt the ground shake under me as i ran, those things were gaining on me faster than i liked and i was going as fast as my legs could carry through the now completely unfamiliar woods. I took a chance and looked over my shoulder and saw not a few hundred yards behind me what looked like a couple **dozen** of hell dogs along with those stone human things riding them. I didn't know it but when i saw those monsters after me a scream released itself from my throat and made itself known to everything in the forest.

Ori was certain he heard a warg not to far off from where he and his companions where. ¨ um dori how much longer until we set up camo?¨ the shy dwarf asked his eldest brother ¨ not much longer we'll stop when it's nearly dark oh and buofr you have first watch tonight¨ he said not casting a glance behind him as he rode ahead of the group. Boufr was about to say something but a scream cut through the air making everyone stop and looked around hoping to find the source of the sound only to hear another howl and the shouting of orcs. All had their weapons out as they gathered into a tight circle ready if any orcs should be to close. A sudden rush of feet had them all turning their heads to see a girl in the oddest clothing they've ever seen racing through the trees her form nothing but a blur of black green and some brown as she ran past completely unaware of their presence. As quickly as she ran past she was gone but was soon followed by a large group of ocs and wargs all having their sights set on the girl ahead of them. It was only after the last warg was out of sight did the severity of the situation sink in. fili and kili wasted no time and ran the direction the orcs had gone soon followed by the rest of their party with with ori bringing up the rear.

I was slowing down i could feel it. My legs were starting to feel like lead and my throat was burning as i tried to catch my breath but as i ran but each breath i took only made the burning worse. I new if i kept going i would pass out but with the alternate option now only a few yards behind i forced my legs to keep going praying in the back of my mind that i would find some salvation from this nightmare soon. Of course luck was never on my side and i was reminded of that when i felt something fly past, they were shooting arrows now, they knew i was slowing down i could hear their horrid laughter in my ears. The realization that i could die hit me just as an arrow flew into my leg. A didn't have time to scream as pain erupted in me sending waves of pain through me, i could feel the arrow move in its place when i slammed into the ground from the pain. It tried to get up only to find my whole body burning but i forgot about that as i as yanked up by my hair and found myself face to face with one of the stone people. Its face looked as if someone had slammed it with a rock, its eyes easily similar to a rapid feral wolf that had found a new toy. It held a sword to my neck as it let out a sting of sound that i assumed were words. It said something but the words were lost to me. It pushed the blade closer to my neck when i couldn't say anything but I could feel the cold metal Pierce my skin, the others laughing as they saw i was to weak to do anything, one of them had another arrow aimed at me. I new they were going to kill me but now i was to tired and only hoped it would be swift. Then an arrow went through the skull of the one that held a sword to my throat. It and myself both fell to the ground of course i was still breathing. Then a loud yell came from somewhere and suddenly there was a fight around me. Howls, screams and words along with the clash of metal was all i could register. I was to tired i closed my eyes and felt myself almost slip into darkness but a pair of hands forcing me to sit up had me now looking at a different face this one much nicer than the stone one. It was clearly a man but he had a large nose, fair skin and straight mousy brown hair that stopped at his ears but he had small braids going through it and in his beard. He looked really worried for some reason though. " miss are alright?" I turned my head to see more bearded men but my vision started to leave me. " yeah I guess but are those hell digs gone?" The looked confused but the one who was pretty much holding up spoke up. " you mean the warts? They're all dead mame. However I do believe we should get you righted out." I looked him in the eye and said as clearly as I could. " does that guy really have an axe in his head?"

Laughter was my answer as two younger men came up and lifted me to me feet, of course the mousy haired one let me lean on him but it was at that moment that I found out how short he was. I was short for my age but taller than five feet yet I store over a foot higher than him. " easy their dear we can't have that leg getting worse, or I I'd cover your ears if I was you." A white haired man said as he came forward and without warning grabbed the arrow and yanked it from my leg. I let loose a string of words that after I was done had most of the short men grinning from ear to ear or blushing red enough to make a rose envious. " good god ya didn't think ta warn me grandpa!" " actually it's oin miss-" I grinned and said " alexandria, how ya doin".


	2. Chapter 2

Later

I promptly passed out from shock and exhaustion thereafter and awoke to find myself covered in a thick blanket my head laying on someone's legs. I looked up to see a pair of brown eyes. " you're awake! Good we thought that arrow that got you was poisoned." Before I tried to speak I attempted to sit up only to have myself brought back down. " sorry but my brother said you should rest." I tried to fight back a grin while saying " sorry but I don't think you would be very comfortable with me using your legs as a pillow. Now if you would please…" i once again tried to get up but like the last time the short man ori set my head back down on his legs. I looked up at him to see absolute determination in his eyes, meaning i was probably stuck like this for a while. ¨ so while i'm using you as a pillow is it okay if i ask you something?¨ ¨sure what is it?¨ ¨you promise not to get mad?¨ he let out a small chuckle and said ¨ i promise not to get mad now what is it you wish to ask?¨ ¨why are you and your friends so short?¨. At this laughter erupted and i looked to see all the others from earlier and ori kneeling over from laughing. ¨ miss if it hasn't come to your attention yet all of us here are dwarves, descendants of durin to be precise¨. At this i jumped to my feet. A wave of nausea hit me but i remained on my feet ignoring their shouts. Oir along with a few others rushed to my side but i held up a hand to stop them. I looked at them, there is no possible way dwarves are real i mean besides those who have dwarfism but...¨ yall cant be dwarves, they aren't real especially around here. The only thing fairytale like in this region is the devil's tramping ground and his cave! Now seriously why are yall short?¨. All of them were looking at my now like i had grown a second head that spoke in russian. ¨um i'm not sure what a devil's tramping ground is but around here there are certainly dwarves in these lands, were in middle earth earth did you get the idea they weren't real?¨ said younger blond of the group.

Did he just say middle earth, as in lord of the rings story middle earth? I tried to clear my head.¨ sorry but could you say that again, i think my hearing worse than thought. I could have sworn you said middle earth.¨ they all were looking pretty worried now. ¨ um i did say middle earth lass what else would i have said? Oin are you sure she didn't conk her head?¨. I couldn't think, i couldn't see middle earth. That was only in books and movies. I haven't even seen lordof the rings to my better knowledge save for the hobbit movie but i only… **wait** the hobbit, dwarves, middle earth. Dangit gandalf i was sucked into a movie with heathaness dwarves a funsized martin freeman and dragon voiced by a sociopathic detective fan-freaking tastic. ¨ shit great just great. **Thank you seriously thank you. I didn't even ask for this you know**!¨ i was shout up to the heavens to whoever was listening gesturing to everything around me i vain. ´ why me, why me. I haven't really done anything that bad in my life i still have a bunch to worry about at home. My family, friends, cat and i didn't even want to think about all the schoolwork i would have to make up if i was gone to long. What if i never got back´ ¨ alexandria¨ ´ what if i'm gone to long i´ll have to be held back´ ¨ ALEXANDRIA¨ ´ my cousins, oh good god they´ll miss me and what about graduation!´ ¨ALEXANDRIA LISTEN TO ME!¨. i felt pair of hands pulled me down to look a familiar pair of brown eyes that were filled with concern. I looked around to see most of the others around us looking at me worried, i glanced back at ori before i shook my head trying to clear my rapid thoughts. " s-sorry i um lost myself there for e sec." " i take it that you're not from these parts miss." i looked to see a the ma-i mean dwarf with the weird hat speaking. I grinned at him saying " on that assumption you are absolutely correct mister um?" "bofur at your service miss" " wait how many of yall are there. Right now i mean" "eight of us miss" " thanks uh, wait let me guess. Oin". from there after taking a seat in front of the fire between ori and who i found out to be his older brother ori they all gladly informed of their names, who was related to who and to my surprise their plans to meet with gandalf in the shire. " so is he actually a wizard? Ya know like magic, making things disappear and stuff like that?" bifur attempted to say something but his words were lost to me. But thankfully bofur translated for him and myself. " he said that gandalf is one of the best wizards there is, well not the best but not the worst i think however-" "gandalf is a fantastic wizard is what they mean" dori said casting an annoyed glance at the two. I giggled a bit looking at the others to them all with grins on their faces. "Ok so is it possible that he could know how i got here? Not that i hate it here it's just that my family might be going batshit worrying about me at this point." ori instantly perked up a said " why don't you come with us and ask him, i'm sure he could help you!" "ori you know how thor-" " but brother she needs answers and gandalf has them." " i am fully aware of that ori but she isn't of our kin and you know as well as i do why we can't bring her with us". At this everyone suddenly started arguing amongst one another hell i think i saw a few blades come out. I jumped up from my seat trying to get to stop but my voice and actions fell onto deaf ears as they kept to their arguing. But i felt a hand on my shoulder to see ori looking at me with a small smile. " don't worry we'll take you to see gandalf, there much too kind to just not help a pretty women." i saw his eyes widen when mine did, we both similtamilusly found our feet interesting. I've never been called pretty before save for friends, family and boys my age trying to be funny so of course my face started to burn all the way to the tips of my ears to the base of my neck. ' dammit why would he say that to me?' of course while i was preoccupied with my thoughts i didn't see the others stop their fighting to look at ori. Later after everyone ate and came to the agreement of letting me come with them i was given an extra sleeping mat and blankets. As the others except for bofur who had first watch started laying down bifur waved me over and patted the empty ground beside him " you want me to sleep next to you?" he nodded his head and again patted the ground. I smiled and started to set up the mat and blanket. When i laid down a thought finally came to me. " um is it ok if i take my shoes off or.." golin spoke up. " do what you like lass just don't forget about them." " oh ok thank you" after that i placed my things down and finally got comfortable i looked over remembering my bag and took the book i had out of it finally having a chance to see at what it was actually a world history book ' well at least i won't get to forgetful of home' i thought to myself before i opened it up to the origins of man and started reading.

I woke up to someone tapping my shoulder. ' danngit can't my sister just let me sleep in' i thought to myself slapping the offending hand away as i did. "Well good morning to you as well lass" that's not my sister. I shot up and saw a bearded face in front of me and everything from yesterday came flooding back to me and i relaxed realizing it was bombur who woke me up. "Oh sorry bombur i forgot where i was for a sec" he smiled at me before saying " it's fine just get ready we have a ways to go before we reach where gandalf will be so hurry up." i got up to get my things but something fell off my lap, looked down to see the book i was reading last night on the page i had fell asleep reading somewhere between 7000-300 BC. making a note of the page number i shut the book and put it and the rest of my things in my bag and got ready just as the others were doing.

The trip from there was calm if not very much peaceful save for my leg which healed nicely leaving a jagged scar on my leg. I spent most of my day talking with the others as we rode on going from describing the different kinds of food we have in my home to bombur to attempting to figure out what bifur was saying. At night we would eat talking and joking but before bed i would read more of my book of course soon ori caught onto that and soon had his brothers move closer to me and bifur so he could read it with me. It took about a month and a half before we reached hobbiton where i have to admit it was lovely, if this place wasn't in middle earth i would gladly move here .clam forests, vast green hills and friendly people.

it was very close to evening when we finally reached where the "burglar" lived. " so fili is blond, kili is dark haired and there's their uncle and his two cousins making a total of thirteen of dwarves, a hobbit, a wizard and if thorin allows it myself totaling it up to sixteen people. Dang that's a lot of people huh nori?" " hehe yep and that's sixteen people gonna be in a hobbit's borrow this evening." we were at the moment trying to find a door that was supposed to have some mark on it but so far we've found nothing. We had almost given up searching for it if it wasn't for a tall figure with a pointy hat waving at us. " by my beard it's gandalf!" i felt a grin spread across my face at golins words. ' maybe he could help me' i thought seeing the wizard walk over to our group. " ah it's good to see you gentlemen. Please set your ponies up for the evening and let us head to mr. baggins home shall we?" the wizard smiled as he said this seeming to have not noticed i was there. I let it slide when we had a farmer nearby let us put the ponies in his barn and we walked with gandalf. I decided to wait till everything was sorted out before talking to him. We soon came up to a large green door that had a glowing bluish white symbol on it. I wasn't sure but from the noise coming from inside it's safe to say the others arrived before we did. I was in the back of the group behind gandalf when one of the others knocked on the door. I heard a rather muffled angry voice from the other end but i couldn't make up the words since the others in front of me thought it a good idea to literally lean on the door.

When the door opened they all pretty much fell over into a giant heap onto the floor inside. Then what i think was the hobbit on the other end looked shocked more than anything at seeing them. Gandalf simply walked over them as he went in and started talking to the hobbit. I on the other hand rushed in and helped them up, two others came over to help both laughing at how funny it was but as soon as they were helped up the all went off somewhere near the kitchen i think. I finally got to see who helped me and found two faces, one having blond hair a large nose and a large beard the other had dark hair and a small beard. I won't lie they both looked fairly attractive but i realized that they must be fili and kili. They both say me and bowed saying " fili and kili at your service" i did the same saying " alexandria at your service" after that both of my arms were grabbed and the two lead me to where the others were and i found myself having a sense of mortal fear and dread wash over me. They large group of men before were showing the worst manners i have ever seen. They were throwing food everywhere, walking anywhere there wasn't a plate which included the table and i swear from the shouts coming from the hobbit i think they were still in the process of raiding all his food. ' oh my god i can feel my grandmother's anger from here' i thought to myself feeling my face pale at how they were acting.

Glancing around i noticed none of them had really taken notice of my presence so i rushed out to talk to gandalf of course i wasn't the only one who wanted to have a chat with the wizard. I walked into the kitchen passing nori and bofur fighting over a rope of sausages like wild dogs and heard found the hobbit having a one sided argument with the wizard. Mainly dealing with the state of his kitchen, tracked in mud on the floors a pillaged pantry and ruined plumbing. Of course trying to get ahold of the wizard i followed the two out into the hall where bilbo had stopped his rant finishing with how he couldn't understand what they were doing in his house. Thankfully though ori came and diffused the tension when he walked over and ashed with proper manners what to do with his plate of course he saw me and smiled before fili came over and took it from him and threw it to his brother like some kind of frisbie.

From there it became some sort of game of them having fun tossing dishware about to the kitchen. Me and bilbo of course where in full blown panic mode where he was yelling and i was dumbstruck at the dwarves behavior as guests. But it got so much worse when baggins brought up blunting the knives because i most certainly could recall what came next.

 **Blunt the knives and bend the forks**

 **Smash the bottles and burn the corks**

 **Chip the glasses and smash the plates**

 **That's what bilbo baggins hates**

 **Cut the cloth and tread the fat**

 **Leave the bones on the bedroom mat**

 **Pour the milk on the pantry floor**

 **Splash the wine on every door**

 **Dump the crocks in a boiling bowl**

 **Pound them up with a thumping pole**

 **And when you're finished, if any are whole**

 **Send them down the hall to roll**

 **That's what bilbo baggins hates**

Well shit me green and call me a gecko, i was completely done now. I knew that song and the vulgar innuendo behind it . The moment i caught a few of them grinning at mine and mr. baggins expense i took my now burning and embarrassed face and sat down in the living room hoping that they wouldn't do anything else as bad as that later on. ' these heathens gonna kill me' i thought to myself not noticing two loud knocks on the door. I only brought my head up to a voice saying. " so this is the burglar?" i looked up to see a black haired dwarf looking at me like i was and undercooked piece of meat. I saw that he had black hair with a few braids and grey streaks in it and very puffy hair along with icey blue eyes. " oh no thorin this is our burglar." all eyes turned to see gandalf with baggins by his side. Everyone moved to the dining room at that point but i chose to stay where i was, wanting a moment to take in all that happened from when i walked into the door to now. I couldn't see dori or oin acting decent but atleast i saw bifur cleaning the dishes. Having enough of just sitting down i got up and walked around.

I heard the others talking but it was mostly junk about how their not the best or how if baggins was a good burglar, of course during that thorin said something that pissed gandalf off and had him yelling loud enough to scare me while i was walking through the nearby hall making me let out a very colorful string of curses that reminded the others i was there. " alexandria lass where are ya, get in here you wanted to talk to gandalf right?" i ran over to the dining room and poked my head in to see everyone now looking at me. " my dear i don't believe we haven't been properly introduced, i am galn-" " gandalf the grey, one of the five great wizards. I'm aware of who you are, that's why these guys brought me see I'm not from this realm, i was hoping you would know a why i could get home?" he looked at me shocked before saying " well that would explain your odd clothes. Now what is your realm like if i may ask?" i glanced around seeing everyone looking at me with interest, of course ori caught my eyes and shot me a smile before gesturing for me to go on. Dammit i hate public speaking. " oh well it doesn't have anything from here to my better knowledge" fili spoke up " what do you mean by nothing from here?" " well at home dwarves, wizards and hobbits are nothing but figures in tales told to little kids who later on come to the realization that they aren't real. At home you have to worry about money, getting a good job and acting proper in public so as to avoid gossip" "well that sounds rather dull, why would you wanna go back to that?" kili asked. " because i have a family and friends who are worrying about me right now, hell with how i left they probably think some bastard took me. I have too much left there to finish anyways". Gandalf stood up from his seat and addressed the others. " well then my dear since it seems we do not have the answers here then let us find you some along the way. Balin please do give her a contract"


	3. Chapter 3

I stood there looking at the wizard. What did he mean I would be joining them I needed to get home I've already missed enough school to keep me from graduating now I'll be here longer? I felt a small hand grab mine and I was being lead by Bilbo to another room that had a large and dusty chest in it." wait what are you doing funsized?" The small hobbit let go of my hand and walked over to the chest and opened it. " I'm not sure but I think these should be your size miss- i never got your name" "oh it's alexandria mister baggins. Why are you handing me clothes?" he grinned and put his hand on his neck and laughed saying " oh just bilbo is fine and i'm giving you clothes because a decent hobbit would never let a young women leave their home underdressed" " oh thanks". I grinned at him before moving to the chest to pick out what to wear. "Ahem" i looked to the door to dee ori looking at us, mostly bilbo before he stated that balin had our contracts ready for us. At that bilbo rushed out leaving just me and ori in the room.

" so i guess this means you're staying longer than you hoped huh?" i looked over my shoulder to see ori looking at the ground after i lifter a pale blue shirt from the pile of clothes. i glanced down at the shirt and quietly said " well it's not that bad, i mean i'll have hell to pay in schoolwork when i get back but i'm more relaxed here than i've ever been at home plus this means i get to stay with you guys a while longer." at this ori looked up at me and a grin grew on his face. " really you mean it? I m-mean i thought you just wanted to get home" " why wouldn't it mean it? so far i;ve had more fun with you and the others than i've had with my own family"i said. All joking aside i meant what i said. i did have good times with my family but never in a way that i had with the dwarves.i looked at him but glanced at the door to see dori. I bit my lip out of habit, something i gained while avoiding biting my nails a while back. " um ori is it ok if we finish this later i kinda have to get dressed". At that his face turned a dozen shades darker, thinking it would be funny i said " unless you want to talk while i'm changing clothes then whatever floats your boat i guess" i looked in time to see ori yelp and rush as if the room was on fire. His brother looked at me before closing the door behind him. Giggling at that i grabbed a pair of boots.

I came out a bit later in the boots some dark brown pants and a pale blue long sleeve shirt that i put a long greyish green coat over that went down to my knees. My hair was a little bit longer than when i got here but eh whatever.

I walked into the dining room to see bilbo looking at a large document. I walked over to the table and past a few of the others to see a similar document. 'I guess this is my contract' i thought grabbing it and seeing that it had _a lot_ of words in it as i unfolded it. The whole thing was as tall as the bald dwarf but what shocked me was the mention of a dragon, funeral arrangements and fourteenth of some treasure. "Um this fourteenth thing. Just how much are we talking here?" "oh just several million bits and pieces of gold and gems. Ya know sapphires the size of a fist, enough gold to buy the heavens, stuff like that.". balin said nonchalantly glancing over at bilbo who spoke up "laceration,evisceration, _incineration?_ " " oh ai he'll melt the flesh off your bones in the blink of an eye". Bilbo looked a little faint "you alright laddie?" "y-yeah, feeling a bit faint" "think furnace with wings" "yeah i-i-i need air". At this point i could use some to. "Flash of light, searing pain then poof. you're nothing more than a pile of ash". Dammit bofur shut heck up. I looked over to see bilbo possible the same shade of pale white i was. He however was standing full height whereas i was bent over with my hands on my knees to stop myself from falling over, i heard a quick no and a crash and looked over to see bilbo on the ground. ' well he's out for the count.' The others thought this was funny but that stopped when my legs gave out and i was on the ground myself. ' **dragon? Are the fucking crazy? I've meet many mentally unstable people in my time but i think these fools take the cake.** ' i screamed in my head looking at nothing but the floor trying to keep the black at the edge at my vision where it was. My breathing was speeding up and my head was spinning. " alexandria are you ok?" i didn't dare look at whoever was talking in an effort to keep myself from joining bilbo in lala land. "Oi lass you alright?" "ale you fine there?". I looked up to see bofur and a few others in front of me. "Bofur for the love of god if you don't back the hell away from me i'll smack your beard off your face." at this they all jumped back. " didn't mean ta make ya feel so ill lass" "then what gave you the idea of saying that was ok dude?" that shut him up fast enough with an audible clack of his teeth as his mouth shut. Feeling better i got up as high as i could which was on my knees. I looked at bilbo still on the ground and moved over to see if i could wake him up. " yo baggins wake up. Bilbo come on wakey wakey" letting out an annoyed sigh i turned to the others for help. At this point everyone including gandalf and thorin were watching but not helping at all.

I sat with the others in the other room beside ori as he wrote in his book. I would have tried to read it but i could read dwarfish. "So when did you come about miss?" me and ori looked up to see the princes standing in front of us. " oh we caught her with an arrow in her leg about to be gutted by some orcs a few weeks back" all heads looked to bombur who spoke up. " yeah lass ran by like a wild buck. Thought she was one actually". I'm sorry what did funny hatted midget just say? " oh really? Why didn't you just drop her off with some humans" thorin said. ' thorin you son a bitch imma shave you later'. I looked him in the eye, got up from my seat and walked out of the room. Not watching where i was going i bumped into someone. " oh sorry" i looked to see bilbo looking tired. Not as in wanting to sleep but the kind where you are done with something and wanna stop. " oh hey bilbo were you off to?" "oh i'm just going to clean up what's left of the mess your friends made earlier". Needing something to keep me from attacking thorin i asked " is it ok if i help?" he went wide eyed " are you sure because-" " baggins, shut your food hole and just let me help ok"

Me and bilbo were relaxing in his room when we heard singing.

 **Far over the misty mountains cold**

 **To dungeons deep and caverns old**

 **The pines were roaring on the height**

 **The winds were moaning in the night**

 **The fire was red, it flaming spread**

 **The trees like torches, blazed with light**

During the song i took a seat in a chair and let my eyes rest. I opened my eyes to sunlight. ' ah a sunny day what a nice way to-' "hello" 'what the sweet tom hiddleston was that?' i got up and found myself in bilbo's room. ' what the hell?' and d raced out to find bilbo standing near the front door. . " shit bilbo where are the others?" " they left i think" fucking monkey. I ran to grab the chest and stuffed its contents in a bag. " bilbo you coming or what?" i shouted trying to calm down. " huh?" i ran to the door and opened it " are you going to reclaim erebor or what funsized?" i asked turning my head to look at the small hobbit. He looked around his home then ran to his room shouting " let me grab my things" " move your furry footed ass funsized!"

We both ran out of his house in a rush. I had our bags in my hands and bilbo ran behind me with our contracts, both signed and in his hands. We jumped over fences, yards and the occasional hobbit or animal in our rush we passed someone who shouted " where you off to?" bilbo slowed down " not now i'm already late" "late for what?" i looked over my shoulder to see him shout. " i'm going on an adventure" i laughed out loud and added " yeah and i'm kicking some dwarves asses when i see them so move it funsized". We ran and ran far into the quiet woods of the shire and onto the path which we started to follow. It didn't take long for use to see the group of dwarves on horseback. 'Those little bastards' bilbo saw them and started shouting wait while i kept running full speed ahead. I stopped by thorin along with bilbo who held the contracts up. " we signed them" he handed the to balin who cast us a look and peered at them and said " everything appears to be in order. Welcome master baggins and miss alexandria to the company of thorin oakenshield" " get them a pony" thorin not looking at us. Bilbo of course started to object " no no no a that won't be necessary, i'm sure i can keep up on foot. I-i've bone my fair share of walking holidays ya know? Got as far as frog walden once" fili and kili rode up behind him and lifted him onto a pony. I felt another set of hands coming up but i turned around and glared at the pair that turned out to be ori and balin. They stopped when they just how ticked i was. " gentlemen i can manage on my own" " but don't you wanna" "nope" "but ale won't you get-" "nope i'm a big girl besides why would i need a lift for someone who tried to ditch me the first chance they got" with that i turned and walked over to bilbo on his pony and feel in step with it.

"Come on nori pay up" oin said causing the others to toss small bags to one another. Me and bilbo slowed down beside gandalf. "What's that about?" the hobbit asked the wizard "they took wagers on whether or not you both would show up. Most of them bet that you wouldn't". Those little, and i thought they thought of me as a friend. I thought ori at least did, heh guess they proved me wrong. " what did you think?" bilbo asked just when a bag came flying to gandalf who caught it. " my dear fellow i never doubted either one of you for a second" he said in full confidence. After that nothing much happened save for bilbo getting everyone to stop because he forgot a hankey. We keep going from there well beyond hobbiton past hills, forests and valleys through the whole day. The whole time i kept to walking and only talking to bilbo and gandalf, i was still ticked at what the others had tried to pull so i chose to ignore them whenever they attempted to strike up a conversation with me. Later closer to evening we set up for the night and i slept beside bilbo. Nothing much happened except me and bilbo woke up to golins snoring and saw him breathing moths in and out. Bilbo got up after that while i looked to see a fili, kili and gandalf awake of course the far of lovely screams assuring pain and damnation to any who heard them woke up a few of the others while sending me into a joyful state of slight panic. " what was that?" bilbo asked the princes from beside his horse. " orcs". Orcs? I'm sorry but we don't need orcs right now i still have a scar tank you very much. " orcs?" well that woke high king of happy little angry people land up. " throat cutters, there'll be dozens of them out there" i scooted closer to the nearest armed person. " the lone lands are crawling with them, they strike in the wee small hours when everyone's asleep. Quick and quiet, no screams… just lots of blood". Well thank you fili i am now fully awake and shall be till i'm no longer terrified you little hairy asshole.

I was now touching the nearest dwarf from fear of orcs showing up and finishing what they started. I looked to see bilbo about to piss himself and the prince's chuckling to themselves, those stinkers imman wax them head to toe if they don't zip it. " you think that is funny? You think a night raid by orcs is a joke?" oh they in trouble " we didn't mean anything by it" " no you didn't, you know nothing of the world". Oh shit, shut down by the T squad bitches. I giggled to myself and looked to see balin walk up from gandalf knows where. " don't mind him laddie. Thorin has more cause to hate orcs than others. After the dragon took the lonely mountain king thror tried to reclaim the ancient dwarf kingdom of moria" oh great it's story time, criss cross applesauce chilren. " but our enemy had got there first. Moria had been taken by legions of orcs lea by the most vile of all their race. Azog the defiler". Ok who the heck names their kid something that sounds like _a song_ and what did he defile anyway. " the giant gundabad orc had sworn to wipe out the line of durin. He began by beheading the king. Thrain, thorin's father was driven made by grief. He went missing. Taken prisoner or killed we did not know. We were leaderless. Defeat and death were upon us." ok so far i have snuggled against the close dwarf and grabbed a bag of popcorn from my bag listening to balins story. " that is when i saw him. A young dwarf prince facing down the pale orc. He stood alone against this the terrible foe." i looked to see bilbo and the prince's completely enthralled as i was. " his amour rent wielding nothing but an oak branch as a shield." oh peggy carter approves. " azog the defiler learned that day that the line of durin would not be so easily broken. Our forces rallied and drove the orcs back. And our enemy had been defeated. But there was no feast nor song that night for our dead were beyond the count of grief. We few has survived and i thought to myself then there is one who i could follow. There is one i could call king". Ok i would to petition for morgan freeman to tell that story for the next super bowl please. I Looked around to realize that all of the others had woken up and stood before thorin who was standing near the ponies and started walking closer. " and the pale orc? What happened to him?" " yeah did he live?" me and bilbo asked from our places on the ground. " he slunk back into the hole whence he came. That filth died of his wounds long ago" thorin said walking by us. Everyone went back to bed after that. I stayed in my spot and fell asleep, my earlier panic forgotten.


	4. Authors Note!

Alright lovely readers. Thank you so much so taking time out of your day and reading this. you have no idea how happy that makes me. please favorite follow review whatever makes you happy! im sorry for the inconstancy of the chapters I'm gonna try to get a schedule together. But I will be posting these little notes probably every three chapters. Thank you all for your patience with me.


	5. Chapter 4

Wet., it was very much wet right now. We had woken too a clear sky and set out but later it had started to pour. Leaving use in the middle of a forest, riding on ponies and wetter than a ship rat. " cant you do something about this deluge?" dori asked sounding hopeful. Of course our grand wizard killed that." it is raining master dwarf and it will continue to rain until the rain is done. If you wish to change the weather of the world, find yourself another wizard". I was on a pony with bilbo who spoke up. " are there any?" "what?" " other wizards?" " there are five of us". Oh yeah, ain't one of them the guy in the white bathrobe? "The greatest of our order is saruman the there are two blue wizards…". I zoned out for a few seconds and got lost in looking at a few of the others trying to smoke their pipes. "...radagast the brown." wait who the brown now? "Is he a great wizard? Or is he more like you?"

Call the fire squad, get the burn unit, bilbo has burned the wizard i repeat bilbo has burned the wizard. I giggled to myself and got off the pony and started walking to get the feeling back in my legs. Of course i ended up in step with ori and his brothers. " ah so the lovely alexandria graces us with her presence this fine day i see." "ah put a sock in it nori. Needed ta get my legs moving" "aw what's got you in such a fowl mood these last few days m'lady?" "oh i don't know? Let's see i go to sleep one evening with who i thought were my friends in the other room and wake up to find all traces of them gone and alone with a person you meet only the night before. Then come to find said friends on there way without you after running across most of hobbiton. Yeah would kinda put anyone in a fowl mood sherlock" ori and his brothers looked taken aback at what i said. " now see here. We didn't want to leave you in the first place, that was thorin's doing. He told us taking a human girl who didn't sign on would cause too much trouble. Why ori actually _yelled_ at thorin for saying that." " well if y'all were against it then why did yall do it?" " he's our king. To go against him is treason". I stopped looking at the dwarfs and walked ahead. " the least you could have done was leave a note or something. I thought ya'll just put up with me until bilbos and dumped me there like some unwanted mongrel." i mumbled going back to my place beside bilbo.

I had another bout of silence as we traveled until sunset. Thorin had us stop in a grassy open space that had a run down cottage that was missing even the walls. I got my bag and went over to a large rock and took a set on it and got my book out. So far i had reached the colonization of the north americas. I heard thorin tell his nephews to look after the ponies and tell oin and gloin to start a fire. I then heard some foot falls coming closer to where i was and stop beside me. Turning my head i saw oris boots. " is it okay if i sat here?" " it's a free space go for it" i heard him sit down beside me on the rock. " what's the mayflower?" " a giant ship that carried a group of people across the sea to the land i call home. One of my ancestors was on it." " really? That's- no i'm not here to talk about books. Alexandria why are you still angry at us? You're with so everything should be ok now right?" that little ragamuffin thinks it's about that? Realy? I shout my book with a sigh and turned to face him. " ori it's not about yall letting me come. Im mad because you all thought it was ok to leave my by myself with stranger i had met only the night before without leaving a note, telling me or anything. When me and bilbo woke up there wasn't any way to tell yall were even first thing that came to head was where you all had gone, the second thing to go through my head was the question of why you didn't see fit to get me when you were leaving, hell if it wasn't for bilbo i would have miss catching up with you." at this point i had tears threatening to spill. " dammit ori i thought yall just put up with me on the way to bilbo's with the intention of leaving me there when i saw you were gone." i felt a tear spill and wiped my eyes " dang it i need to set up for the night" i said grabbing my book and walking away from the young dwarf.

Third pov

they didn't mean for her to get left, he didn't mean for her to think they never cared, he never meant to make her cry. The second he saw her he felt his heart ache. Those words he first spoke to were the truth he did think she was pretty. Mahal pretty could never describe what he thought. He loved how they talked for hours without end into the next day and how she would get excited when she guessed what bifur said right or how she had a gleam in her eyes looking around her while they traveled.

The first person he ever raised his voice to was thorin, he was surprised she never woke up when he shouted every foul word he knew at thorin when he said she would be useless.

He cared for her more than she knew yet, she thought he never did and he couldn't find the words to tell how wrong she was of that to stop that single tear from falling and stop her eyes from turning away from him. He failed.

Dammit i hate crying. I'm a disgrace to my name, i can't even protect myself. Those thoughts and others similar raged through my mind while i laid my things out for the night. Apparently while me and ori had our little _chat_ thorin pissed gandalf off and had him storming from the camp. Of course that was hours ago and he still hasn't returned. I looked to see all the others doing their own thing and decided to check on myrtl, me and bilbo's pony. Seeing none of the others paying attention i went to where the ponys wher and found the royal yout asleep against a tree. ' oh god forbid they miss their beauty sleep' i thought to myself as i stepped over the makeshift gate they made. I looked around and saw most of the ponies and counted them and found fifteen. We have sixteen, suddenly i heard a loud crash and turned to see a large _something_ in the trees. Sadly i didn't see the large rock coming for my head.

Bilbo hated how long gandalf was gone. " he's been a long time" " who?" " gandalf" " he's a wizard. He does as he chooses. Here do us a favor and take these to the lads and tell alexandria dinner's ready" bofur said handing the hobbit two bowls. Bilbo headed to find fili and kili and found them standing beside one another looking at the horses. " what's the matter?" he asked getting his answer from kili. " we're supposed to be looking after the ponies" "only we've encountered a slight problem" "we had sixteen" "now there's fourteen". Bilbo looked confused for a moment. Wasn't alexandria with them maybe the other two were with her. The walked further into the area. " daisy and bungle are missing" " well that's not good. I mean aren't they with alexandria?" the hobbit asked nervously still holding the bowls of soup in hand. Both of the princes looked at one another turning more worried. " MR. bilbo we never saw her" the said in unison. " that is most definitely not good at all. Should Not tell thorin? I mean we saw her come down here earlier." " uh no let's not worry him" fili said knowing their uncle wouldn't like to hear the possible lost two ponies and a girl while they had a nap." as our official burglar we thought you might like to look into it." which lead to them standing before the troll camp.

" he's got myrtle and minty. I think they're gonna eat them we have to do something they might have alexandria" at this the young dwarves both looked at bilbo. " yes you should" kili said grabbing his shoulders " mountain troll are slow and stupid and you're smal they'll never see you. It's perfectly safe. We'll be behind you" bilbo tried to object but fifl cut him off. " if you run into trouble hoot twice like a barn owl and ounce like a brown owl" he said taking the bowls from bilbo and pushing him toward the trolls.

He repeated what they told him and asked but turned to see them gone. He walked closer to the camp to see three large trolls. One had minty and myrtle the other two were sitting by a fire. " mutton yesterday, mutton today and blimey if it doesn't look like mutton again tomorrow" he heard one of them complain. "Quit gripping we've got some human and these is west nags" "oh. I don't like horse, never have not enough fat. Can't i just have the girl and you both get the nags?" " the nags are better than that farmer. All skin and bones he was, i'm still picking em out of my teeth and we're splitting the girl. I've already got plans ta bake her nice an slow with a sweet glaze" " oh that sounds pretty good". Bilbo sneaked around in the trees and out of their sight toward the ponies hoping alexandria was there too. He was thankfully right and saw her tied up and asleep on the ground. Bilbo tried to break the ropes. " well i hope your gonna gut these nags i don't like the stinky parts. Can't i just see if the girl tastes right?" bilbo heard a loud clang. " i already told ya no now sit down" bilbo now tried more than ever to untie the ropes but as luck would have it. One of the trolls had a knife with quietly as possible he trekked over to get the blade. He was so close, so very much close. But he just could tell when a troll sneezed.

Normal pov

Shit my head. I thought instantly taking notice of the throbbing pain in my head. I opened my eyes to find myself face planted on the ground and tied up. Thankfully i could sit up and from where i was see the ugly things or whatever they are standing around something. " bert. Look what's come out of my hooter." one had moved to the side enough for me to see a snot covered bilbo which looked as shocked as the other things were. " it's got arms and legs and everything" seeing as they were distracted i started trying to loosen the ropes on me. They were wet for some reason that i'm not gonna even question and was able to get my arms free in time to hear on ask if bilbo was squirrel. ' actually he's a hedgehog' i thought moving to the ropes that trapped the ponies. Of course i paused and watched to see kili awake from his nap and trying to save bilbo with his sword. He sliced their legs and any hands that came near him. Soon most of the others had rushed out of the trees. I took my chance and used a blade on the ground to cut the ropes and let the ponies go. This got me some unwanted attention.

" oi that girl let the nags go!" " oh lordy not good" i bolted out of reach from the thing with a blind eye and ran right into the dwarves in their fight. I tried to reach the trees for safety. My mind functioning on pure adrenaline. I ran by bilbo in time to get grabbed instead of him. " drop your arms, or we drop hers" at this point i saw sarcasm as a good weapon. " aw shove it ya overgrown tunip. They could cut you down faster than you could blink" "why you little" i felt my left arm being pulled just about out of it's socket. Damn it hurt " oi dummkopf gt bent". They all pulled on my limbs making a scream erupt from me. " drop your arms" i heard thorin shout followed by the clanging of metal. After gaining some slack i slumped and looked at the company. " dangit"

Welp i'm dead and so is bilbo by the way thorin is glaring black holes at company was split up into separate groups. Those in sacks on the ground and those tied up to a spick. Of course i was a special case, since i let the horses go i was tired and had an apple shoved in my mouth while inside a pot. I was still in view of the others which was how thorin was glaring at me.

" why cant we just sit on them, and turn them into jelly" " no they'll taste better suited with a sprinkle of sage." " oh that does sound nice". Bilbo shot up " wait wait you are making a terrible mistake." i spat the apple ate the thing, shot up from the pot and added in " yeah. You think sages gonna help? You're gonna need something stronger bub" the troll with the apron looked at me and bilbo who was now in his feet in a sack. " like what?" me and bilbo looked at one another for any ideas. Honestly i didn't think we'd get this far. Suddenly i got an idea i shouted. " ya gotta shave them" just as bilbo said " you have to skin them". The dwarves could have spit fire and i saw dwalin actually get his hand out of the ropes at point at us with the promise of a slow death if we lived.

" oi get me filleting knife" " oh i've eaten plenty of dwarves raw before." the thing with a lazy eye said picking bombur up " nice and crunchy". Bilbo shouted not to eat him " he's got parasites. Uh worms in his tubes" " y-yeah hell he threw up a couple buckets worth earlier" i added making the thing drop bombur right onto the others in sacks. " yeah they all have parasites" if the weren't pissed earlier, they were now. They all started shouting about us having parasites and that they were fine. Dang idiots gonna get us dead, **great**! I thought letting my head hit the pot with a bang.

I then heard kili shout ¨ i have parasites¨. Lil pricey say what? I sat up and saw the others shouting about who had the largest parasites. Of course finding this funny with my half baked head i started laughing and fell back into my pot oh shame. i couldn't stop laughing until shouts of no range out and a lid was placed on the pot. ´ oh this just shouts not good' i thought feeling the pot move. I still heard shouting only it sound like it was coming from above mainly. Suddenly it started getting warmer, mainly where i was sitting. ´wait. Warmer, screams from above... **oh merde on a"broomstick!** ¨ i tried to stand up but the ropes around me made it difficult to even sit up on my knees.

It was pitch black in the pot now. I knew the pot and myself were partially in the fir but it was oddly cool, thankfully. " **guys i'm fine, it's actually kinda cold in here** " i shouted hoping they heard me. Sadly the universe loves proving my white girl ass wrong because then i felt the metal under me heating up. " ok so i was wrong". The air itself started to heat up now as the now painful heat was now seeping through my clothes. 'No no no not good not good. Me no be cooked. I ain't even seen the last star wars movie yet' i thought frantically trying to stand now but since again it was too dark to see i hit my head on the lid with a bang. I fell onto my back and felt my hands sizzle on the metal below me. The air was thick with heat now, i could feel my vision fading as burning heat overtook the air around me. I was gasping for breath now but every breath i took was sending fire down my throat. I tried to scream for help but nothing came out.

The pain from my hands finally got to me. I turned over and regretted it when my knees felt the metal and the heat burned through my pants and skin. I finally managed to make a sound as the painful scream i emitted echoed all around me. Blind ,burning and breathless. That's how i was going to die. No great adventure with the company and no going home, so many regrets, so many things i'll never say or do. I closed my eyes in the darkness and prayed it would all end soon enough.


	6. Authors Note! number 2

Hello Loyal readers. Sorry for the delay but starting soon I'm gonna start posing chapters every Sunday. The writer is taking her sweet time typing. Hope you are loving this story!


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